Week 9- Iowa State Preview

Well, well, well. A 1-7 Iowa State teams boards a bus to Columbia to take on the 6-1 Missouri Tigers. This is almost the whole “if a tree fell in the forest and nobody heard it…” thing except for this is television. The massacre isn’t even on TV. If you want to hear it, click HERE for KMOX. This beatdown probably shouldn’t be on TV anyway, with all the guidelines and such. What would this be rated? “A” for asskicking, “B” for beatdown, “XV” for extra violent? It would definitely be for mature audiences only, but ‘mature’ doesn’t describe any of the Mizzourah readers. On to the game…

-Iowa State is bad. Shitty bad. They’ve lost to two MAC teams and a I-AA team. Granted, the I-AA team is good (Northern Iowa), but I’ve seen the Panthers get that ass waxed by I-AA teams before. If you looked up the definition of ‘terrible’, it would just say “Ames”. The ‘Clones still haven’t gotten over the hump of Troy Davis’ graduation (mid 90's). They beat an equally bad Iowa team on an FG at the end of regulation for their only win of 2007. Kirk Ferentz contemplated genocide on his team afterwards.

-Bret Meyer is STILL their QB. This is his fourth year, and he’ll graduate with his AARP card in May. He made strides his sophomore year and has sucked more than the movie ’30 Days of Night’ since. He shouldn’t be a factor unless he finds a red cape and blue tights with an ‘S’ on them.

-The only offensive players to keep your eye on are Todd Blythe and JJ Bass. Blythe is a great receiver…and white, which is very confusing. Blythe still has to have the ball placed in his hands by the armless Meyer, which makes for comedy. JJ Bass is sketchy at running back. He’s a junior college transfer that was supposedly Chizik’s best recruit landing. Bass has had a couple of decent games, but trying to overcome a QB that sucks as bad as Bret Meyer does, he’s gotta be there 100% of the time, which he hasn’t.

-Mizzou is going on all cylinders. DaNario Alexander is back, Jeremy Maclin had a great game against Tech, and Derrick Washington and Jimmy Jackson made Tony Temple look as useless as a third nipple. The only thing to watch for if J-Mac happens to twist his ankle again.

-The defense has another great game against Tech, and seems to have pulled it together. Pig Brown will punch Todd Blythe in the face and Brock Christopher will damn near kill Bret Meyer on a rollout. Chizik may forfeit the game if he loses either of them.

-Expect Chase Daniel to have a huge game, and for Patton to hit the field some time with about 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter. What does Stephen A. Smith have to say about the Iowa State defense…