| 14 July 2009
As you all know, the Mizzourah offices are a hotbed for illegal gambling activities. Big Head will try to tell you that he moved from Huskerland to Knoxville, Tenn. because he got a new job. Don't let him fool you. Dude's in some serious debt with a local bookie If he hung around there much longer he knew he was going to end up just like Brian the time he owed Stewie money.Now I'll admit, I'm not a big Spring Game guy. I think they're rather useless and mainly an event created for hundreds of thousands of people living in shit states like Nebraska and Alabama to try to keep them from having sex with their cousins (doesn't seem to be working). But hey, it's a day to get outside, hopefully enjoy the nice weather, drink a few brewskies and enjoy a little football.
As I was thinking about this I realized one thing that could drastically improve this thing would be to throw in a little good ol' fashioned gambling. So for you hardcore gamblers out there who didn't get your fill during March Madness, here is your Official Mizzourah Spring Game Gambler's Guide:
+-2 defensive players that Blaine Gabbert truck sticks.
+-7 Spoon tackles (would be more but we know he's only playing a couple series).
+- 3 INTs by Ashton Glaser (dude's going through some rookie struggles).
+- 3 TDs thrown by Jimmy "rocket arm" Costello (An insider who works with Missouri's QBs told me last fall that this kid has a better arm than either of the Chases).
+-5 15+ yard runs by D-Wash or De'Vion Moore.
+-2 INTs by Carl "I really need to rebound this year" Gettis.
+-8 times Jacquies Smith breaks through the tackle.
+-10 souls Brian Coulter destroys.
+-14,000 people that show up.
+-4 times Gary Pinkel says Blaine Gabbert is "coming along" in the postgame interviews.
+-1 snaps under center
+-10,000 people that vomit upon seeing the gold jerseys and having Kerry Meier flashbacks.
+-75 yards that Spring Game legend Jon "Gissy Face" Gissinger has.
*Editor's note: Mizzourah is not responsible for any monetary losses that may be a result of using the Official Mizzourah Spring Game Gambler's Guide.
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