Written by Matt | 14 July 2009

One of the best times of the year, Big XII Conference Tournament week, starts tomorrow at the Sprint Center in Kansas City. As I was tooling around the interwebs trying to think of an angle for a preview story I stumbled across the Baylor Bears Wikipedia page and discovered that Angela Kinsey, the uptight love interest of one Dwight Schrute on The Office, is an alum of the jewel of Waco, Texas. So that got me poking around into the other schools. I already knew the Tigers had a kick-ass list of entertainers who had come through Columbia but I wasn’t sure about the rest. What I found was quite interesting. There’s a lot of talent in the alumni books of this conference, and each celeb in a small way reflects the team they represent. And I don’t just mean because a lot of these folks didn’t graduate. But that’s probably a similarity, too. I’m talking to you, Texas schools.

BAYLOR
Notable Alum: Angela Kinsey, star of the NBC comedy The Office. New episodes return in April.

Like Kinsey’s character on The Office, Baylor is extremely conservative and uptight. This Baptist school isn’t down with cussin’, dancin’, gamblin’ or drinkin’. So that leaves sports, I guess. The football team is pretty abysmal but the hoopsters have risen from the ashes of scandal to be an NCAA bubble team.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as a Dwight-Angela wedding this season, 20%.

COLORADO
Notable Alum: Joan Van Ark, star of Dallas and Knots Landing. Currently addicted to plastic surgery.

Poor Joan, she had it rolling in the 80s. Two huge television shows and all the glitz and glamour that came along with it. The Buffs, meanwhile, had it rolling, well, um, uh, oh yeah, there were those two years Chauncey Billups was on the team.

Like the basketball program at Colorado, Joan’s career fell off the face of the earth and now her face is falling off bit by bit thanks to a surgeon’s scalpel. I did not post a picture of her now, it is too gross. You’ll have to Google it on your own. I prefer to remember Joan as she was in her heyday. I prefer not to remember Colorado basketball at all, except to say it was really annoying how Shaun Vandiver traveled every freaking time he got the ball.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Ms. Van Ark landing her own show for the fall season, .000001%.

IOWA STATE
Notable Alum: Mallory Snyder, star of the Real World: Paris, and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model. A close runner-up was civil rights pioneer George Washington Carver who, in the words of Run DMC, “made the peanut great, so any man with a mind could create.”
There is an obvious reason to pick Ms. Snyder to represent the Cyclones in this exercise. She’s very attractive. But there’s also a corollary to the ISU hoops team. Mallory’s fame was a flash in the pan, like a shooting star almost. She burst on the scene in around ‘03 or ’04, did her reality thing with Ace and was in a couple of swimsuit shoots. Then she vanished. 15 minutes up. Kind of like Iowa State. Tim Floyd and Larry Eustachy built some good teams, had a little success but then just kind of faded into oblivion. Like Mallory they can get some of the magic back, but it’s just not this year.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Mallory and Ace getting a Jessica and Nick-style newlywed show on MTV, 2%.

KANSAS
Notable Alum: Rob Riggle, Daily Show correspondent and star of incredibly pointless Budweiser advertisements.

It pains me to say anything good about Kansas, but this guy is really funny. Check out some of the work he’s done on the Daily Show for visual evidence. And as much as it pains me to say, Kansas basketball is good. Again. I still think the Wig will blow it in a couple of weeks, like I think the Budweiser commercials will wear out their welcome soon, but this week is probably, unfortunately, going to be all about the Jayhawks.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Riggle never winning an academy award, 75%.

KANSAS STATE
Notable alum: Kirstie Alley, star of Cheers and Fat Actress. Fat.

KSU and Kirstie Alley, where to begin? This is actually a very easy comparison. Kirstie Alley was a big star on Cheers, got fat and happy and her career collapsed. By poking a little fun at her big belly she was able to garner sympathy and regain some semblance of a career. The Wildcat basketball team started the conference 5-0 (including a 24-year curse ending win over the Beakers) got fat and happy and got bitch slapped by Mizzou in Columbia. They stumbled through the rest of their road games but have regrouped enough that it looks like they’ll get to play on beyond this week in the Big Dance.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as the cast of Cheers reuniting for a reunion in the next five years, 30%.

MISSOURI
Notable alum: George C. Scott, legendary actor. Star of Patton and A Christmas Carol. A bad ass.

Missouri is going to have to take on the personality of two of Scott’s most famous characters if it wants to make a run this week. Coach Anderson needs to have these guys in fighting shape, ready to battle every game. Anderson, of course, is Patton. The team needs to be like Ebenezer Scrooge with two pence when they have the basketball. They cannot give away turnovers. Man, how corny are these comparisons? In reality, MU might be screwed. A Friday night battle with the Wig awaits if they can get by Aleks Maric on Thursday. No easy task. A win over Nebraska might get MU into the NIT, though. Yippeee!

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Kansas ever producing an actor as bad ass as George C. Scott, 12%.

NEBRASKA
Notable alum: Johnny Carson. Late night legend and one of the all-time greatest comedians.

You all probably knew JC was a Nebraska man. As much disdain as I have for the Cornhuskers I can’t help but respect Mr. Carson. But really, on second thought, my dislike for NU is confined pretty much to their football program. I don’t even, and I don’t think NU fans really think about the basketball product. Not much to think about. Nebraska should bow out early this year to allow Mizzou it’s rightful place in a Friday night showdown with Kansas. I don’t really have any comparison between Nebraska and Johnny Carson except to say NU basketball is a joke, and Johnny could deliver a joke. How’s that?

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Johnny Carson’s sidekick showing up on Doc Sadler’s doorstep with an NCAA Tournament Invite and a Publisher’s Clearing House oversized check, 1%.

OKLAHOMA
Notable alum: Ed Harris. Great actor, Apollo 15, A Beautiful Mind, Gone Baby Gone.

Harris is a master at his craft. He plays characters with a little edge. He’s rarely the leading man but is a great, great supporting actor. The Oklahoma basketball team will never be the leading sport on campus as long as the Sooners field a football team, but the Sooners have always been respectable in hoops. Jeff Capel is a crappy coach in my opinion, but he does have Blake Griffin, who has returned from not one, but two knee operations in season and is still playing. Talk about sacrificing long-term health for the here and now. Everyone is praising the OU doctors and trainers for the work they did to get the kid back on the court. Let’s see what they’re saying in a few years when he’s limping around like Earl Campbell.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: About the same as former Dukie Jeff Capel naming former Dukie Quin Snyder as an assistant coach next season, 4%.

OKLAHOMA STATE
Notable Alum: Gary Busey. Actor, Point Break, Lethal Weapon.

One of the true psychos in this world, it’s only fitting that Busey went to the same school famous for the football coach who gave the “I’m a man, I’m 40” rant. Busey’s mug shot (Google it) kind of looks like OSU coach Sean Sutton during a game. Busey’s also put on a little weight in the past few years, not unlike OSU’s best player Byron Eaton. Other than that, I don’t have a lot to say about the Cowpokes. See you in the NIT, boys.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Busey dressing up as the team mascot, running out on the Sprint Center court and tackling a ref after a call against the Cowboys, 13%.

TEXAS
Notable alum: Farrah Fawcett. Really hot in the 70s and 80s. Charlies Angel.

Miss Fawcett is an icon of American beauty. Texas is an icon of collegiate athletics beauty (just ask them). Unfortunately Farrah is battling some illnesses, but hopefully she’ll be ok. Every one seems to like her even though she’s a big, big star. Like Texas, they have some problems. They are undersized and maybe not as talented overall after losing Kevin Durant last season. The Longhorns are the biggest thing going in the Big XII in terms of money and recruiting prowess, but I still like them. After all, they were the conference champs and not the Beakers (KU fan I’d tell you where you can stick the “Co-Champs” thing but it would hurt your feelings).

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same percentage of teenage and college males who had “the poster” of Farrah on their walls in the 1970s, 74%.

TEXAS A&M
Notable alum: Rip Torn. Actor, Men in Black, Senseless.

Rip is a funny dude. He’s a really good actor. He, like Busey, has a really funny mugshot. Rip attended Texas A & M but never graduated. He actually graduated from Texas. But that’s what makes him perfect for this. It’s yet another example of A & M being Texas’ bitch. I can’t stand the Aggies. Really can’t stand them now that Turgeon the whiny little Beaker is coaching them. Nothing short of a Mizzou win in the tournament would make me happier than seeing TA&M bounced in the first round. Might happen, the Aggies are 1-13 in the Big XII tournament.

Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Texas A&M ever getting over it’s inferiority complex with Texas, 0%.

TEXAS TECH
Notable alum: John Denver. Great singer and actor in Oh God, You Devil.

You’d think John Denver would be a Boulder guy, right? Well, he’s not. He was an engineering student at Tech before dropping out to pursue his dream of singing. Bob Knight was the coach at Tech before dropping out to pursue his dream of bullying. I like John Denver’s music. I don’t like anything about Texas Tech. So maybe this last comparison isn’t a perfect fit. Still, I thought you’d enjoy the fact that Mr. Denver once graced the campus in Lubbock.
Chances of winning the Big XII Tournament: about the same as Bobby Knight signing Rocky Mountain High at Texas Tech’s 2008 Midnight Madness, 3%.

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